From the MASSACHUSETTS-ANNEXED
FRONTIER TERRITORY OF MAINE
Cheers and Jeers for July 4, 1776
Be aware: Whomever used mine solely copy of Common Sense to wipe their hiney in yon shitehouse this morning shall be punished by the change. Wretched cur.
By thy Numbers:
Days `til the official studying of the Declaration in Philadelphia: 4
Weight, in kilos, of “the old bell” that shall be rung to assemble Philadelphia residents for the primary studying of the Declaration: 2,080
Variety of Declaration signers: 56
Variety of quills that practical-joker delegates caught in William Whipple’s wig earlier than he seen and threw a continental hissy match: 16
Ben Franklin’s age on the time of signing: 70
Variety of signers nicknamed “Outdated Bacon Face”: 1 (Samuel Chase)
Variety of Dunlap Broadsides (copies of the Declaration) that shall be made tonight by John Dunlap: 200
Variety of folks presently residing within the colonies: 2.5 million
Variety of occasions John Adams stepped on Thomas Jefferson’s foot in the course of the signing: 1
Pet Pic of Thine Day: Normal Washington is an avid fox hunter, and his canine of selection is the tireless fox hound:
The rationale he makes them sleep within the secure and never the grasp’s manse might be summed up thusly: foxhound SBDs.
CHEERS to the Declaration. The boys in Congress took a deep breath and drew a helluva line within the sand right this moment. Britain: belief us, it’s not you. It’s us. Okay, it actually is you, however…ooh, that is awkward. Mainly: fuck off, with love. So…what can we do now? Anybody really feel like brunch?
JEERS to the primary draft. Thank goodness “The King could dine on mine knickers” ended up in ye olde garbage can. Good determination to put off the onerous cider, Jefferson.
CHEERS to Caesar Rodney. Listening to that the Delaware delegation was deadlocked, he rode 80 miles in wind and rain to achieve Philadelphia in time to solid his essential vote in favor of independence. We are saying his horse deserves to have his hoof print on the doc, too.
CHEERS to niggling editors. Because of the bone-headed delegates from South Carolina and Georgia (who wish to proceed importing slaves), and the New England delegates (whose retailers nonetheless wish to become profitable serving to import them from Africa), language slamming the King for the slave commerce was deleted. C&J disagrees. However we’re certain it can all be solved amicably by…nicely, actually by no later than subsequent weekend.
CHEERS to Mr. Loud and Proud. Rumor has it that Continental Congress president John Hancock was the one delegate who has actually signed the document. The remainder will accomplish that after the “engrossed prints” are prepared subsequent month. The actual motive: his signature was such a behemoth they ran out of ink.
JEERS to the Hessians. For signing on with King George III and committing troops to do his soiled work preventing us. To point out our displeasure, German sausage shall henceforth be often called “freedom weenies.”
CHEERS to John Adams: “I’m nicely conscious of the toil and blood and treasure it can price us to take care of this declaration, and help and defend these states. But by way of all of the gloom I see the rays of ravishing gentle and glory. I can see that the tip is price all of the means. That is our day of deliverance.” That is inspiring, sir. However the query was, can we please open a window?
CHEERS to good eatin’. Yummy yum yum. By no means will there be a time like the current when the meals upon which we feast could possibly be extra fabulous:
Usually talking, the meals scene in 1776 was constructed round just some staples: fats, meat, salt, bread and alcohol. (There is a good motive all the rich founding fathers look so plump in these outdated portraits.) Contemporary greens have been seasonal, and shellfish—together with lobster—was thought-about “pig meals.” …
Colonial delicacies was based mostly on the English mannequin, which meant a lot of boiled meals and puddings, together with pigeon pudding. Sure, you learn that proper. Pigeon pudding.
Does it get any higher than that? I ought to say not. At the least, not until they excellent the syrup of the corn and the fats of trans. Fats probability!
JEERS to the apple falling removed from the tree. William Franklin, illegitimate son of Benjamin and former Royal Governor of New Jersey, was little greater than a lap dog for the King. He is presently underneath home arrest. They need to paper his partitions with the Declaration simply to rub it in. Memo to dad: see what occurs whenever you suppose with the unsuitable head?
JEERS to wigs. On this summer time warmth, they itch like burlap on buttock. Can we declare independence from these smelly issues, too?
CHEERS to the ladies. Not solely are they retaining our homesteads maintained in our absence, they’re additionally pretty good in a skirmish. And there even appears to be a sure time of the month after they can heave cannonballs with naked fingers at nice velocity. Wonderful. Maybe we should always grant them a proper or two in the future. Maybe.
CHEERS to beating again the skeptics. Worrywart delegate John Dickinson says independence is untimely: “It’s going to be like destroying our home in winter and exposing a rising household earlier than we’ve bought one other shelter.” Yeah, nicely, the present landlord is a petulant loopdee-doo so…potato puhtahto.
JEERS to the Grand Union Flag. Look, I am not saying it is unhealthy or something. The 13 stripes are inventive—one for every colony an’ all that. However the British emblem sticks in my craw. Whaddya all take into consideration perhaps some stars? I do know a good seamstress on the town who can churn ’em out with a single snip.
CHEERS to the music makers. It takes so much ‘o guts for our regiment musicians to stroll across the discipline of battle tootin’ and tappin’ whereas sizzling lead is whizzing by their heads. Yankee Doodle all the time rallies the troops, though I am a fan of the lesser identified…
Jingle bells, King George Smells
Burgoyne laid an egg
Cornwallis took a piss
And sprayed it on Howe’s leg.
Only one minor quibble. Love the fife…love the drum. However would you thoughts including just a little extra cowbell?
JEERS to “Feminine Combatants.” This British political cartoon really says, “I will drive you to obedience, you rebellious slut” and options womanly nakedness. Can the “lamestreameth media” probably sink any decrease?
CHEERS to Market and Seventh Streets. The brick house on this nook in Philadelphia is the place Delegate Jefferson spent most of his time writing the Declaration. When he moved out, the maids have been cleansing his room for days. (His manner with phrases is as exact as his purpose round a piss bucket just isn’t.)
CHEERS to the underside line. Hancock: “We have to be unanimous; there have to be no pulling alternative ways; we should cling collectively.” Franklin: “Sure. We should all cling collectively or most assuredly we will all cling individually.” Us: Gulp.
And a postscript…
CHEERS to going out collectively. On July 4, 1826—50 years to the day after the primary delegate signed the Declaration—each John Adams and Thomas Jefferson died inside hours of one another (Jefferson went first, thus making Adams’ ultimate phrases—”Jefferson survives”—a bit awkward). Pay your respects to J.A. here and to T.J. here. And pray that in the future we’re lucky sufficient to have statesmen like them working this place once more. (Minus the slaveholding and Alien & Sedition Acts. Ahem…)
Yon creaky floorboards be open…What are ye cheering and jeering about right this moment?